Swordfish
By Danny Sarnowski
In his book Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly, chef and author Anthony Bourdain has the following to say about swordfish: “You see a few of those 3-foot-long parasitic worms that riddle the fish’s flesh—and we all do—and you won’t be tucking into swordfish any time soon.” He goes on to say that he, and his seafood purveyor, refrain from ordering swordfish in any restaurant. He urges all of us to do the same. Now, it is my turn to urge all of my fellow humans to refrain from ordering Swordfish at their video stores as well.
Swordfish is the new “film” starring John Travolta, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, and Don Cheadle. It was recently released on video and DVD. It is also the cinematic equivalent to intense lower-intestinal discomfort. The movie is almost beyond compare. While not as terrible as Battlefield Earth, Travolta’s last film before this one, it still delivers enough socks to the gut to qualify as terrible.
The “movie” opens
with Travolta’s character spouting a tirade against the terrible movies
that Hollywood churns out. He talks about how stupid movies have become and
even says that good film has given way to mindless explosions and stupid action.
Is this supposed to be ironic? Get it? He’s in a bad movie ripping on
other bad movies! Wait, it gets even better (I mean worse). Two minutes after
he’s done with this opening monologue, we are subjected to watching an
innocent hostage being blown to bits and taking a dozen police officers with
her. This is the first in many “action” scenes that do little but
show the filmmakers blatant disregard for human life (not to mention plot, character
development, etc…).
The “film” laughably concerns an ultra-buff computer hacker played
by Hugh Jackman (X-Men, Someone Like You). He’s recently been released
from prison with the stipulation “touch a computer, go to jail.”
He desperately wants to see his daughter, but unfortunately because he’s
an ex-con, the state of California sees that it would be better for him to not
have any contact with her and to let her live with her alcoholic, porno star
mother instead. What’s a guy to do?
Along comes Halle Berry (a wanna-be-serious actress who has made a big mistake taking this role) to entice Jackman into meeting her employer. She takes him to meet Travolta who asks him to hack into some high-tech database. “The best hackers in the world can do this in 16 minutes,” he sneers. “I need someone who can do it in 60 seconds.” So, at gun-point, and under, um, other pressures, Jackman completes the task. Travolta beams with insidious pride playing the same horrible villain he played in Battlefield Earth sans make up.
What does Travolta want? He wants Jackman to hack into some banks and steal a government slush fund. With the $9.5 billion he hopes to get he’s going to finance anti-terrorist operations around the world. So, he’s a good guy? Or is he just the world’s biggest, and most sadistic terrorist? Either way, it’s stupid. And insulting to our collective intelligence.
The “movie” depends on lots of insipid, made-up internet/computer jargon, unbelievable action sequences and chases, mindless nudity and sex, a host of different camera filters and the same special effect that won The Matrix an Academy Award and sold a lot of pants for The Gap. Save your money, save your time, save yourselves. Swordfish is for the birds.
7 February 2002